Aug
08
2010

You are my rock?

“You are my rock in times of trouble.
You lift me up when I fall down.
All through the storm
Your love is the anchor
My hope is in you alone.”

It’s all very well singing this when life is ok but it is much harder to sing this when life is a big tougher. I am happy to believe that god is there in the good times but I struggle to believe that he is holding me up when the ground feels like it is falling away.

This week my younger sister has told me she is pregnant again. Last time she was pregnant I practically had a nervous breakdown. I will admit that I am both annoyed and jealous. I had hoped that I might get pregnant before her this time!! It’s so hard to believe that God is good when you see him blessing other people with the things you most want. Of course what makes this even more difficult is that being jealous of your sister seems to be perceived by others to be totally unacceptable. Being told by family members and friends to ‘deal with it’ and to ‘think of all the good things you have’ just isn’t helpful.

Life is good but there are also moments when it is tough. I hope I am strong enough to deal with this… and I hope the Mister is strong enough to deal with me!!

Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized | Tags:

12 Comments »

  • agatha

    Maybe God sees your tiredness (post 31 July) and thinks its not right to visit any more on you at the moment. After 22 years I think I can say children are not always a blessing.

    Comment | August 8, 2010
  • Agatha that is on parr with one of those unhelpful comments I mentioned in this post. I fully recognise that having children is neither easy nor fun, but it hasn’t stopped me wanting them for over 10 years.

    Comment | August 8, 2010
  • Miffy

    Auntie Doris – To be courageous enough to admit to being jealous in the first place is the sign of a strong person IMHO. Why folk perceive it to be unacceptable is beyond me. Seems perfectly natural as far as I can see. (( )) and what Tractor Girl said to your ‘Tiredness’ post.

    Oh, and don’t get me started on that wretched chorus; guaranteed to make me blow a gasket every time. 🙁

    Comment | August 8, 2010
  • agatha

    Sorry if you regard it as unhelpful – but its true. Seemed to me the level of tiredness you are expressing without a child – and, I would have to say a “normal” child, not one with any difficulties such as mine has – wouldn’t exactly set you up for success with one.

    Comment | August 9, 2010
  • ferijen

    @Agatha,
    Your comments to Auntie Doris really aren’t helping. She’s expressing pain and periods of rubbishness on a blog which is, yes, public, but you can’t possibly know the person she is from what she writes so to judge her suitability as a parent on a post (and at a time) which is so clearly very personal is crass in the extreme.

    AD: :votive:

    Comment | August 9, 2010
  • Agatha I have been considering how to respond to your thoughtless comments all day. It seems to me that ferijen is absolutely right in her comments. There are many things I could suggest would make me a less than perfect parent, but being tired is not one of them. It seems to me that the majority of my knackerdness is in relation to work… and my job will not make me a good parent.

    Comment | August 9, 2010
  • TOH

    I know what you mean about that chorus. Sometimes it just feels like there is no rock and we’re just in freefall, or simply that God doesn’t give a stuff! It’s like all this ‘God has a plan, just hold on in there’ crap I’ve had over the past couple of months from well-meaning people, but which is incredibly unhelpful!

    I’ve never wanted kids and so I can’t pretend to have any idea how you feel, but I’ll keep you in my prayers, such as they are, and hope that one does come along in the near future.

    Comment | August 10, 2010
  • TOH

    Thinking about it, watching straight couples being able to get married with no problems at all when things with TractorGirl get so complicated because we happen to be two women – that’s a similar thing. I can’t deny being thoroughly jealous of two friends who got married last weekend, and rather dreading going to a wedding this weekend.

    Sorry, I’ll stop moaning!

    Comment | August 10, 2010
  • Dith

    Having dealt with deferred hope for a long time, and being dreadfully jealous of those who seemed so easily to get what I wanted, I sort of understand (won’t insult you by saying I totally do, that would be very wrong indeed!)

    Some did say to me the ‘but it is not all easy’ and ‘in some ways you are better off’ kind of lines. At times, I wanted to hit such people – very hard indeed!

    Now that I have been blessed with the thing I longed for, I have found those lines to have some truth to them. It makes me no less thankful for what I have, tho! And very careful not to repeat the unhelpful lines to those who are still in the position of longing for something that seems to elude them.

    I will pray for you and tell you that sometimes these things do work out. I hope for you that, some day, that will be the case for you.

    Hope this helps – sorry if it doesn’t. Hugs anyway.

    Comment | August 10, 2010
  • Cal

    Hi hon, was going to try and call you so didn’t leave a comment here when you first posted but somehow days have gone by…….so am leaving hugs, thoughts and prayers here Xxxx

    @agatha – I do sort of understand how you might come to think like that though I don’t hold that kind of theology about how God works in our lives. And maybe you never read Auntie D’s previous post about how unhelpful she finds certain types of responses so didn’t realise how insenstive your comment was. However two things: rants about tiredness on a blog may just be a way of venting, not necessarily an indication of how someone is feeling all the time and b)no matter what their existing situation people have a habit of stepping up to the plate once a baby appears.

    Comment | August 12, 2010
  • I’m convinced that the heartfelt jealousy I felt when I first heard my sister-in-law was pregnant was a chemical/hormonal thing. It was so out of character for me and I was utterly beaten down by it for some time.

    Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, but at least it might lessen the guilt of dealing with feelings that society seems to dictate are wrong.

    Comment | August 14, 2010
  • Been there, done that: while I was struggling to get preggers, both one of my best friends (who was single) and my sister in law (who was between marriages) got pregnant without wanting to. It’s hell, isn’t it? Will pray for you – a couple of years ago I prayed for you to get married, and look at you now! (not that I’m making any big claims…). Don’t let the NHS fob you off with long waiting lists for fertility investigations – they don’t make any allowance for increasing age, and fertility drops a lot after 35. Beg, borrow or steal to have the tests privately. I did.

    Comment | September 2, 2010

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