Other people and my story
To all those people who think I am being a selfish bitch for being upset about other people’s pregnancies and babies, this message is for you.
For the last 15 years my life has not been what I thought it would be. I thought I would get married in my early twenties and have a couple of children by the time I was 25. It might not have been conventional to normal society, but in the Newfrontiers churches it was pretty typical and normal. People married young, in my opinion, because they wanted to start having sex and in that environment it is the ‘right way’ to do this. It is also the culture of the church, being very family focused etc.
Instead of getting married, I went through the majority of my twenties surrounded by a large bunch of friends, the majority of whom were gay. They shared my life and I shared theirs. We laughed together, drank together, ate meals together, went on holiday, went shopping, had parties, and went through good times and sad times together. They were like my family. I adored it and I adored them and my life without that experience would be very much poorer indeed.
When I hit my thirties the reality that other people have not only been married and had children, but now their children are at school became very obvious. It is quite painful to watch from the sidelines to see other people getting the things you most want, whether that is right, or wrong isn’t up for debate at this point, but it is the truth.
I was fortunate. I am extremely fortunate. At 33 I met the most wonderful man in the world. He is supportive, loving, generous and kind and I cannot overestimate how loved he makes me feel. He loves me for being me, warts and all. He makes me feel beautiful – and that is priceless.
So, what I am trying to say is, when I am upset and make statements about other people getting pregnant or having babies, this isn’t about me being a bitch. This is about me trying to reframe the whole of my expectations about what I thought my life would look like. I thought I would have children starting secondary school by now. Instead, I am struggling to conceive.
Life isn’t bad; it is just different to what I thought it would look like. I love my husband and I am incredibly grateful for what I have, but it doesn’t stop me feeling envious when I see other people living what I thought my dreams should be. Please don’t make me feel guilty for feeling these things. I am quite capable at doing that on my own.
I said to someone who doesn’t really know what to say to me when I am ranting about these things, “If, God forbid, I had a miscarriage what would you do?”, and her response was, “I would come to you and hug you”. My response to that is, please do that anyway. Whilst I am not grieving for something tangible, I am, to a certain extent, grieving for my dream; for the life I thought I would have.
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These other people possibly envy you for being able to do what you like without children. I would be interested to meet someone whose life has turned out how they dreamed it would be. Its normal, don’t feel guilty.
I would guess that anyone who would blame you for feeling that which you do has never had to grieve for the loss of a life hoped or longed for. Those of us who have even been touched by the edge of that kind of sadness stand with you in that grief.
The opinions of those others is born of ignorance and I doubt they mean to hurt you, but it hurts nonetheless. Some may learn to understand, others may never ‘get it’. Whatever the case, what you feel is what you feel – and that makes it real and valid.
I am praying for you, dear Auntie D, and trust that this deferred hope will not be deferred much longer.
Oh please. People without children can’t just “do what they like” either. And don’t tell me that these allegedly envious parents would prefer being able to go out on a Saturday night to the joy or love or whatever that their children bring them.
Auntie Doris, hang in there! *hugs*
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I’ve refrained from commenting in the past because we’re not planning on having kids … and that can be really confronting for people I find, especially those who are having difficulties in that area.
But I do empathise as much as I can, especially in the grieving for the ‘life not lived’ … my brothers married young and I didn’t – and there were no boyfriends or love affairs … and had many many years of my wonderful woggy family very lovingly asking me whether I had a boyfriend yet … a lot of pain and tearful nights and soul searching that I can almost feel now …
So vent away … even if we haven’t walked exactly a mile in your shoes I’m sure most of us can probably lay claim to having meandered across that mile at some point.
Life seldom “goes as planned”. I know far more people who are surprised at where they are now than have got what they planned. Children are a gift that should be valued by those who have them. Those of us who have never wnated them, for whatever reason, should also enjoy what they have.
It cannot be easy to wnat something for so long and then have to continue waiting. Hang in there. One thing I have learnt is that children arrive when you least expect it. Sometimes when people have given up all hope.
The other thing is that no one knows exactly how it happens, it just appears to be pot luck for most people.
I hope that you get the child that you want. I’m glad that you have found a man who loves you, “warts and all”.
Warning: This message does not sound like the real T&E and, as such, will self destruct in 10 seconds 🙂
“This is about me trying to reframe the whole of my expectations about what I thought my life would look like.” I like that statement. A lot.
I’m finding life a bitch at the moment, too, and part of that is, seeing what other people have, and what I have not: someone to come home to or someone to share my life with, someone to share an office with. Made all the harder when everybody around you has “it”, so yes, I get you and all I can do is send a virtual hug and cry with you as I’m typing this.
[Auntie D – if you don’t like this response – feel free to delete it.]
I don’t think anyone thinks you’re a ‘selfish bitch’ for anything you might feel. Sometimes life sucks, and you’re entitled to be sad about that. Where it gets more complicated is in the arenas where you choose to publish your dissatisfaction. If I were pregnant, I expect that I would consider sharing the news on facebook, as a number of your friends seem to do. But – since you’re on my friends list, I would have to think twice about doing that (or perhaps remove you from my facebook list), because I know that any such news would shortly be followed by an update from you expressing your views about how you wish people would stop getting pregnant / advertising their pregnancies / having things you don’t have. I don’t have any children, and already I feel guilty on behalf of any friends of yours who do! I’m sure you’re gracious to your friends in person, but in print it’s quite clear what your feelings really are towards them!
For the record, I’m 3 & a half years older than you (3.5 years further on from the magic 35 – as I keep being reminded by your updates), and 4 years further into married life, and trying (so far entirely unsuccessfully) to have children. Most of the friends of mine who intend to, have children, and I’m now at the point where the couples who originally didn’t want kids are also having them – which seems a little unfair, but there we are – well done them!
The extent to which we want children is a personal matter between me & my husband, & I consciously try to keep my online updates mostly lighthearted, but let’s just say that we’re well aware of our advancing years, and I must confess, I find a lot of your updates to be a painful reminder of that.
I’m honestly sorry that life is causing you so much distress at the moment – heck – we all regret some of the ‘what if’s and ‘could have been’s, but just spare a thought for the feelings of some of the people who read your public postings in the same way that you’d like them to spare a thought for yours.
Lecture over – you may now delete!
Hi K,
Thanks for your response. There are several reasons why i won’t delete your posts.
1) It really pisses me off when I post comments on people’s blogs and yet they only publish the ones that agree with their original post. It seems to me rather disingenous to publish a blog post in a public arena and then censor the responses.
2) You have given me a lot to think about, and I am truly sorry if any of my status updates and/or blog posts have upset or offended you. That would not be my intention.
3) You are 100% wrong about my feelings to my friends, many of whom do have children. I spend time with them and their children and enjoy it, but that doesn’t change how I feel about my own situation. In fact that comment you made about my to being clear what my “feelings really are towards them!” is the only thing in your response that has irritated me.
But, thankyou. You certainly have given me something to think about and I will endeavour not to be as honest on my status updates. As for my blog, if you wish to read it then fair enough, but that’s your choice.
Ecumaniac, when I spent last Saturday night mending the teddy of my 22 year old son with learning difficulties and have to contend with him wetting the bed most nights I do sometimes wish I am somewhere else despite the love – and if that makes me a selfish bitch too, ok I am. As it says above life doesn’t turn out how we dream it will be and there are varying kinds of grief.
Don’t really know what to say as I’ve never really felt the deep yearning that you have to have children. The most I ever thought was is that it “might be quite nice”.
However, I DO understand the strong desire for something that you think may never happen, and how it can affect your relationships with people. But I have no advice to offer. Only hugs & prayers.
Hi Anna – I have just read this blog (I should be working) and I feel very much for you. Life can be tough even though we seem to have so much else – I feel that at the moment for other reasons (too old at 57 to be pregnanant) . If it helps to talk to someone Nic and Joy are going through the same thing in a big way and they have been 2 years waiting. I had miscarriages and an ectopic (and sterilised through no choice of my own at 27)whilst all around me seemed pregnant or had young babies and it wasn’t good. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Keep trusting! Lots of love to you both and have a great time in HK xx
Hi Auntie Karen. Of course I would like to talk to someone who is going through it, but I have learnt that those people do not always want to talk about it. I guess that it how it is!