Dec
30
2007
4

Jesus, only light on the shore

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I went to my sister’s church this morning, well it used to be my church when I lived in the island, but it definitely isn’t these days!! I am not feeling particularly well and I got really irritated with all this happy clappy, bollocks, vacuous worship so I decided to leave before I slapped someone. It seems to me that I am missing the stillness of the Quakers, the structure of the Anglicans and the integrity of people who have struggled with church and yet keep going because they have found a way of making it work for them. Maybe it is just that I have changed so much that the old story doesn’t really work for me anymore.

So, I left church and went and sat down along the seafront, just looking out to sea. It was still and quiet and it is quite a grey day here but the sound of the sea and the smell of seaweed (which always reminds me of home) was more soothing and spiritual to me than being in church today. Then, I put the top down on mum’s little car and drove home… fast… Mum would have had a fit if she could have seen me 🙂 I was listening to one of her CD’s and a song by Fernando Ortega came on and I though the lyrics were so beautiful and I think they are a reflection of my heart and mind at the moment.

SLEEPLESS NIGHT – Fernando Ortega

Another sleepless night
I’m turning in my bed
Long before the red sun rises
In these early hours
I’m falling again
Into the river of my worries
When the river runs away
I find shelter in your name

Jesus, only light on the shore
Only hope in the storm
Jesus, let me fly to your side
There I would hide, Jesus

Hear my anxious prayer
The beating of my heart
The pulse and the measure of my unbelief
Speak your words to me
Before I come apart
Help me believe in what I cannot see
Before the river runs away
I will call upon your name

Jesus, only light on the shore
Only hope in the storm
Jesus, let me fly to your side
There I would hide, Jesus

…… if all goes well you should be able to hear this song here…

Sleepless Night

Sleepless Night from http://somethingelse.vox.com/

Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized |
Dec
29
2007
5

Gran Nora

Gran is improving a bit, although she is still not asking for pain relief when she needs it. It looks as though she won’t be able to go home as she would like, and she may have to have some care at home if she does. She is a stubborn old bird though and thinks that her famiy can do everything for her, unfortunately her daughters also have their own stuff to deal with. Anyway, thanks for all your prayers, and let’s pray her recovery continues.

Here is a picture of her with her youngest great-grand-daughter, Rosalie. (Gran would go absolutely mental if she knew I had put a pic of her in a hospital bed on the t’internet!!)

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Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized |
Dec
28
2007
3

Rosalie

Just one more photo today. Here is a picture of my gorgeous new(ish) second cousin Rosalie. Isn’t she cute?

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Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized |
Dec
28
2007
0

Moulin Huet

Whilst I am home Mum and I are trying to walk every day. Today we went to Moulin Huet which is famous for the fact that Renoir painted some of his famous landscapes there. It is gorgeous at any time of hear, but it was particularly still and lovely today.

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Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized |
Dec
28
2007
5

Boxing Day

Boxing Day is a little more chilled out than Christmas Day and as usual we went to see all the mental people going for a swim in the sea. It is a charity event and this year the fancy dress theme was TV shows. So… see how many characters you can see 🙂

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Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized |
Dec
26
2007
7

Christmas Day

Christmas Day has been a mixture of happy moments and sad moments.

I went to Midnight Mass last night and pretty much wept my way through it. When it came to communion the vicar gave us the choice of a blessing, communion, or both, so I went for the latter. I found the moment of being blessed by someone when I was feeling so so sad very moving indeed. So, I went to bed still feeling sad with a heavy heart, but somehow feeling that there might be light at the end of the tunnel.

This morning I woke up with horribly puffy eyes only to be told by my Mum that my grandma had had a fall at 2am and was in hospital. I just burst into tears, and I don’t think I was just crying for Gran. I think I just felt utterly overwhelmed by my feelings and the fact that I feel utterly out of control. Then I went off to church with my sister and her fiancee. I wish I had done as my gut was telling me and gone for a walk across the beach in the wind and the rain, it might have blown some cobwebs away. Instead I went to their church and the service was utterly shit. It was like everyone had been out on the lash the night before and they all had monumental hangovers. Compared to the sublime service I went to at midnight it was one of the most disappointing church experiences I have had in a long time. Then my aunt and my cousins came for lunch and it was lovely, a proper Christmas lunch with lots of wine and laughter and after that I went to the hospital to visit Gran with my sister and my cousin. She was better than I expected, although she is still pretty confused. Later on in the afternoon I walked with some of my cousins across the beach to Gran’s house as even though she was in hospital we decided to carry on with our usual plans. We opened more presents and unnecessarily ate more food. I got to meet my new second cousin and spend some time chatting with my cousins who are all grown up, but some of them received mini helicopters which they spent flying around the hallway like 10 year olds.

In so many ways it was a good day, but in other ways I just feel rubbed raw. I love my family to pieces, and yet there are moments when I feel like a bit of an outsider. The being single issue is hitting me especially hard this Christmas time and I feel like I don’t really have any future to look forward to. I guess having expectations when I was younger that I would get married and have children have utterly ruined me because they have not come to fruition. Instead of being able to say ‘oh well’ and get on with life I resent the fact that my expectations have not panned out. I seem to have spent the day listening to wedding plans and exciting plans for the future, and yet all I feel is resentment about the fact that I have not had those opportunities. I want to say that I am not interested in wedding flowers, cake, dresses, food, shoes etc. etc. and yet that isn’t strictly true. I just wish that I could be talking about them in conjunction with my own plans. Instead of being able to tolerate these conversations with my sister I want to slap her and scream ‘DON’T YOU KNOW THAT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS STUFF IS HURTING ME?’ and yet in order not to seem like a bitch and a bad sister I try to smile and nod in the right places.

I am back home until the 6th of January and I am not sure how I am going to survive the next couple of weeks. Please pray for me people because I am scared.

Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized |
Dec
24
2007
4

Joy to the world?

Christmas time should be a season of joy and goodwill. When all around you are smiling like cheesy nutters it is hard when you feel totally different on the inside.

I have been looking forward to coming home in some ways as I have been absolutely knackered and in desperate need of a rest. On the other hand, I have been dreading it more than ever before. Christmas is one of the times when I feel like an enormous failure, like my achievements mean nothing and that I don’t quite fit in. I am surrounded by happy couples with their children, and yet I feel like an outsider. This Christmas is especially hard as my sister’s fiancee is living with my parents (where I am staying) until they get married and I am constantly reminded of the fact that I am still single and alone. Instead of feeling loved and accepted at Christmas I feel the opposite. Instead of seeing the good things in life, I see the bad, negative and sad things.

Later on tonight I will go off to Midnight Mass on my own as none of my family want to come and hope that somehow I will feel hope and joy of the nativity seeping into my heart.

Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized |
Dec
23
2007
10

Happy Birthday to me!!

I might never get lost anymore as my parents gave me a sat nav for my birthday.

Marvellous!!! 🙂

Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized |
Dec
21
2007
3

Auntie Millie

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“LE TOCQ, Millicent (Millie) Muriel, (nee Le Tissier) Aged 95 years, of Le Petit Feugre on Sunday 16 December 2007, peacefully holding her son’s hand, entered into the presence (to be with Christ which is far better) – Philippians 1:23.”

On Sunday my great-aunt Auntie Millie died. Her funeral was today, but sadly I was not able to go as I am not back home yet. She was a truly wonderful woman, ready with a smile for everyone and one of the happiest old ladies I ever had the pleasuire of knowing. She had this wonderful girlish giggle and she will be missed by many people. For her though, the adventure has only just begun.

Millie Le Tocq. Rest in Peace…

Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized |
Dec
20
2007
3

phew….

Well that’s work over for another year. I fly back to Guernsey on Saturday and don’t return to the mainland until the 6th of January as I am staying over for my Dad’s 60th. It’s a loooong time to be home! I have to admit though, I am so knackered that I can’t wait until I can stay in bed, and then go for some nice long walks on the beach with my Mum. Bliss!!!

Written by Anna Williams in: Uncategorized |

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